XL's Pandora's Box - The "Controls" Cupboard!

It's the time to hit the sack!

Celebration Time - Wine and Song but No Women :-)

QC @ 10th Milestone!

MBA - Mediocre but Arrogant

XLRI 2002 - 2004
Those were the best days of my life!

Absolut Mandrin

Absolut Pleasure!

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright!

My soulmate in Vietnam!

Say Cheese!

The Oral Care Team and Me @ Amazing Thailand!
Indian, French, Dutch and Vietnamese - that many nationalities in this team!
Pattaya just swept us away!

The Past, The Present and The Future

The other day I was getting all sentimental about my days in Infosys, Chennai when I lived with college buddies.

Life seemed so good and uncomplicated when even the smallest things could give you happiness!

In contrast today, am I happier?

The problem with life is that we never understand what is fun and what is not. The future and the past both look great but the present always sucks.

I remember very clearly it was one of those typical hot, sticky and humid days of the Chennai summer. And as usual me and my friends were sprawled in our flat cribbing about life. The discussion was on the lines of – all we do is go to office, eat some sad breakfast, work for some shit head project leader, come home in one of those shitty buses and sleep. Life seemed to be at the verge of frustration. And our collective opinion at that point of time was that we must be in a position where we do some “intelligent” work, where we don’t work under empty headed managers.

Everybody agreed that we ought to work towards something better.

In a way all of us are in a process of achieving just that. In a few months I will be a manager with the power to actual affect the lives of a couple of hundred people with just one decision of mine. My friends who are still in IT will be leading project teams back home or onsite and similarly for other people.

But life is not going to be easy, I am going to feel the heat and sweat under the pressure of unrealistic sales targets, my friends in IT will put in entire nights to meet impossible delivery schedules.

Success will claim it’s price. Each of these responsibilities will be soak the life blood out of us.

When I say all this, the life of a fresh software programmer sounds great, just code your piece of shit and go home, no tensions in life whatsoever. At home I am free to crib about my project / module leader and then I can go to my favorite pub (Shastri Nagar Sharks used to our favorite pub!) and have a drink without a care of what is going to happen to my project. All I am answerable for is a missed delivery tomorrow – and in the bigger scheme of things, who cares a crap!

Drink, blabber, watch late night movies shows and crash with a relaxed brain.

Indeed that was THE life, simple, sweet and contained.

No shortage of friends, pals.

But life goes on.

Also maybe the simple life is no good – the fact is that man is never satisfied.

And as Douglas Adams puts it:

‘The other Sheltenack’s jupleberry shrub is always a more mauvey shade of pinky russet’

___________________________________________________________________

I know I am going wrong somewhere here. This is not the way it's supposed to be. There is more to life! It's not all self defeating as I have made it out to be :-(

There is much more to life than our f****d up boss. We were wrong and misguided in Chennai because we all thought that our lives were what our jobs are – which is all balls – you cannot live one happy moment if we think like that.

If we start with the thought that the present sucks – then obviously the past and the future will look promising!

But if we start with the premise that the present is fun and glorious, then the past automatically becomes fun and if you are an optimist, the future looks great too!

We need to find surrogates for happiness – such as friends, family, marriage, Kingfisher draught, emails, phone calls and movies!

The 3 Fs that you need to be happy: Fun, Friends and Family!

I think if we assume that work is the be all and end all of our existence – then life is screwed big time.

Moral of the Story:

1. As a bachelor, try and live with someone who does not work in the same company / sector as you. Living with people with similar jobs is the surest ways of making work a part of your life!

2. Always have a friend circle that is beyond people with the same background as you.

This way nothing can come between you and what you enjoy and love – family, friends and fun.
Otherwise your boss becomes important in life and he overrides me, your spouse and KF.

We Forget to Be......

“... During placements, we harped on job satisfaction. By mid-30s, we seek self actualization! ...”
Interested? Read on!


‘In the process of becoming, we forget to be,’ says Vela. Does the pursuit of becoming rich, happy and famous distort our existence?

Vela watched Thambi all evening. While the rest of the batch was having a blast at the 10th year reunion, this man who had been the unifying factor at campus, now sat away, aloof, lost. Vela walked up to him to find him staring at a picture of his dad in his wallet. ‘Indian Tiger’, as Thambi’s dad was known, had passed away a few years ago. And now Thambi suddenly said: “Why is it so easy to love someone more when he is dead than when he is living? Is it because photographs allow you to express love without interrupting?

Why does the past have more clarity in the future?”

Vela sat by Thambi and said: “Because photographs don’t reveal faults; and because in the future, the faults are forgotten. We have to be grateful for Time, the perfect healer.” Then looking at his watch he said aloud: “Come on guys, let’s go and sit in a coffee shop till our flights in the morning. This young man here,” he said, referring to Rekha’s son, “has made sure we cannot go to a pub.”

They all drove in different cars. Buddha and Vela took a taxi. Vela broke the night’s silence when he said: “Remember when Anna sent a parcel home tied with his sacred thread? And his father called screaming, and the subsequent thread ceremony we performed on him before his dad arrived using Thambi’s spare thread?” Buddha let out a low laugh and Vela said: “We have all grown up together at campus. We have seen each other in boxers and banyans... we have seen each other crying, drunk. Hey Buddhadev, there is too much we have shared, and that is why I want Thambi to unwind....”. “And I want Kasparov and Anna to come into the open and finish it all off,” said Buddha.

“What’s the story there?” asked Vela. “I could see they were carping a lot, but Anna has very severe views on morals and stuff.” Buddha grinned, “Oh it’s more serious. Both were at ABC Investments when the Kemarr deal was being paced. Kasparov was on the fast track. The details are still blurred, but story is that ABC banked heavily on the Kemarr deal coming through, since Kemarr’s subsidiary, Incubus, was already their account. The resultant addition would have given ABC very big clout. Then all of a sudden Kasparov jumped ships and the next thing they knew he joined Abacus Investors at almost twice the remuneration. And who was Abacus? That was the firm which won the Kemarr deal! Story doing the rounds is that Abacus offered Kasparov big money and he took the new business with him.

“ABC went through severe crisis after Kasparov’s volte face. Because, with Kemarr going to Abacus, Incubus also withdrew and went to Abacus, and Incubus was Kasparov’s account. That really blew a big hole in ABC’s fortunes. ABC got a lot of bad press. In the aftermath, it lost a few more deals as a result of insensitive media. Parent company in Wall Street tightened the screws, reduced its commitment to India and major retrenchment followed at ABC.

“It’s quite gory, what one deal lost can do to a firm. Apparently, Anna did not see this coming. So Kasparov jumping the ship hit him in the face, especially when the media ran parallel stories of Kasaprov hitting the big times at Abacus, Abacus hitting even bigger times after bagging Kemarr and Incubus; and finally ABC getting the rap from Wall Street and landing in the doghouse. But Anna stuck it out, you know Anna, praan jaaye par vachan na jaaye. I am told he even took a substantial pay cut to help his firm tide over the bad phase, surrendered his huge house and moved to the suburbs. For his family, it was a huge status loss, coming at a time when his niece was being married off.”

Vela listened quietly, then said: “Buddhababu, I am not sure all this can be the result of one man’s move. Maan liya, it is not beyond Kasparov to move the entire knowledge and deal to better pastures; no doubt if someone does that it can be a big blow. But to really make a dent in the fortunes of a firm, it has to be a multi-billion dollar deal. Now even if that was so, think Buddhababu, here is where the story falls flat. Typically, such deals are confidential and one cannot easily take it from one company to another. Also it’s a bit thick, isn’t it, that not getting a large deal could affect ABC’s existence itself? The fact that they bid for such a large deal means that they would already have a well running business, no?”

Buddha grinned, “True, but we also know ABC lost Incubus, which was one of its big accounts; and recall I said ABC also lost a couple of smaller deals in the face of bad press. Yeh sab hota hai life mein, Vela. But you are wrong about one thing; Your judgment of Kasparov. You say it is not beyond Kasparov... I disagree. Kasparov is flighty, yes; he is always making moves and reworking his optimality situation, but he is not dishonest. I have been his roommate for two years; he sees lofty dreams, he even achieves them, and that is why we tend to think of him with suspicion. But he will not betray. He will not kill to win. This is what my heart says, but then, who knows Vela?”

“I don’t agree Buddhababu,” said Vela. “Some people don’t change. Take Thambi. The same ideals, the same intensity, the same passion. Kuch nahi badla. At campus, he had a two-pronged mission: one, give something back to society through professional management - and use his engineering background. Two, add value to India by joining an Indian company. He stuck by that, didn’t he? His father was his idol... poor man, we used to make so much fun of Indian Tiger.”

“What’s the use of ideals, Vela, if you break down when they put you to the test?” asked Buddha. “Thambi’s ideals were not easy to nourish, and I admire that he sustained it all these years. Today his company has sold out to a MNC. Thambi is a broken man. He needs to pull himself together. In the beginning, you are a professional; in the ambit of that you will see various moves taking place. You need to peg your ideals to your basic professional worldview.

“Theek hai, today his company has sold out, his chairman did what he thought was right for his business. Thambi is unhappy? Fair enough. Move to another family-managed company (FMC)! But now he is so despondent, he has transferred his feelings to FMCs as a genre... bahut dukh hai sansaar mein Vela,” said Buddha and looked out the window. “But you did almost the same thing, didn’t you Buddhababu?” said Vela. “Granted, Morro gave you deep agony. But why did you quit corporate life altogether? I am told one man there was the bad apple, but you threw the whole company away!”

Buddha sighed deeply, “Nahi re, I never really planned on joining an NGO. And this is where I can empathise with Thambi. I doted on my chairman. I worked like a horse, night and day... and the man was milking the company dry... and on top of that he made such wild allegations... insaan kitna nikamma hai, for the sake of money, he will sell his soul! And mind you, Vela, all this happens only in the corporate world - this money craze, this power game, this desire for more...

“I introspected a lot and finally decided to drop the corporate world. I thought, this is the goal for which we work all our youth, and in turn it destroys our souls. “It’s not that I was driven by noble thoughts when I joined the NGO. I thought if I want to get away from all of that, let my skills which my country gave me go back to till the soil. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I had to send my son away to a boarding in Mussoorie. Is it really fair for him to go to a boarding school to accommodate my value systems? On top of that the corruption, the sheer maladministration in rural India... it’s all frustrating.... Bahut khoya re, Vela...”

Vela felt his heart would burst. In a short span of five hours he had seen too much agony among his dearest buddies. When they reached Café Konkan, the others were already in deep discussion. Anna was saying: “See, on campus, it was not in your interest to help anyone with their assignments. But we always helped. Toppers like Thambi were forever giving gyan - not just to guys in danger of flunking, but even to me, who was gunning for an A. We were all like that. So, why suddenly when we go out into the corporate world, is there this major rivalry and selfishness? Decency has no value; even your buddy conceals a dagger while dealing with you!”

Thambi let out a growl: “Paisa, power! That’s the common denominator! You come with huge ideals like loyalty, trust, etc., but you forget, it’s not reciprocal! The CEO will tell you what a great guy you are, but beneath that praise lies his personal agenda. What happened at MBT Sonar? Madhavji and I shared a common vision: build the Sonar brand into a truly Indian food brand. Our spices brand was a rage. I took it global, something Madhavji never dreamt possible. Then came the opportunity to ride high on the ready-to-eat category. I prospected and acquired Bawarchi at a throw away price. And what a brand...

“I went about really building on it, hired the best chefs and food technologists and developed a stunning range. In quick succession, we launched the brand in the US, Europe, Australia and the Middle East. Madhavji depended on me completely. Why, he even called me his son!

“Then he wanted to extend the range to include other cuisines too and I agreed. Why not, I said. So we tied up with Remino Fox to add the continental fare. I worked even on that joint venture. That’s how closely Madhavji worked with me. Was I to expect he would go and sell out? Yes! That’s what he did, and so quietly! I am staggered by his secrecy. Even as recent as last week, I was discussing new packaging designs and he showed such deep interest. And last night he says very simply: “I have sold Sonar Foods to Remino!” What? You sold it? No explanations, no nothing? So you see, that’s how money talks. I am finished, no? What happened to ‘my right hand man’? What happened to loyalty? FMCs are like that.

In the net analysis, they are simply traders seeking to book profits. Did he once consider he owed me an explanation? No! I was his flunky, he was paying me loose change, I served his cause, bas!”

Anna agreed in compassion, but said: “Thambi, these are business decisions, and one thing I have learnt, albeit the hard way, is that in business there is no scope for emotion. You attach your emotions to it, you are doomed. Work today, pick up today’s wages, go home.”

Thambi shook his head: “No, this is India, this is an Indian company, not some hoity-toity MNC. Our core values were trust and integrity, dedication and hard work. My father was seriously ill when Madhavji had to make that presentation to Remino in Venice. He came to see my dad in hospital and sought his blessings, can you beat that? Appa told me: you must go, you cannot abandon the ship when you have to steer it, nothing doing, work is work, company first, then family. And I went and made that presentation, got the JV, but lost my father. Does Madhavji remember all this? Why should he?”

Anna gave him a hug and said: “Thambi, all I want to say to you is this: life has to go on. Pull yourself together and swing forward. From the debris of your defeat, you have to build the weapons for the next phase. That’s what I did. Like you, I too was least expecting what happened at ABC. Right below my nose, my own colleague pulled the rug from under our feet and destroyed the very foundation of our business. And why, he did all this for more money, more power! For a few days I was shocked. People were leaving or were being asked to leave. Offices were being sold. Then I said, nothing is permanent. What was, is no more. So I will build again. And for the last two years that’s all I have been doing, rebuilding the fortunes of ABC at half salary.

Today my firm has turned the corner and I can say with pride, my dedication paid off.” Thambi sneered: “But wait till your loyalty bombs! How do you know your story has a happy ending? That’s how I was! And where am I today? And where is your cunning colleague? Between him and you, who is happier, richer, more successful?” Buddha, who was listening keenly, said: “Depends how you define success and happiness. Each of us gets what we work for. Those who pursue money will get money; those who pursue loyalty will get loyalty....”

At this stage, Kasparov spoke: “OK, let me clarify all this once and for all, Anna. You have rearranged the sequence of events in your mind in a manner that justifies to you that I cheated. But let me set the records straight. I tried calling you so many times then, but your address and numbers had all changed.

Abacus made me an offer in March, the Kemarr deal began in July. And the offer was a posting in the US. That is why I accepted it. I signed the offer but did not want to resign till my visa came through. That took six months. During that period, I bought a new property for my parents in Bangalore to move them there. The builder turned out to be a fraud, and we had sunk Rs 40 lakh. There was no way I was going to leave dad to fight the court case alone. I told Abacus I could not join, but they said I could join them in India for starters. But I had to go to the US anyway for a three-week orientation; that was when I learnt about the Kemarr account having been won by Abacus. Now you can take it or lump it!”

Anna would not buy the story. He said: “ Kas, if you are indeed the man of integrity you are painting out now, you would have resigned! But you did it for the money!” “Of course I joined Abacus for the money, whether your moral standards permit it or not!” yelled Kasparov, “but I had no idea that they were also pacing the account! My integrity was clear to me. I knew honest to God that I had moved for the offer and the subsequent account move had nothing to do with me. Why should I have resigned, for what? I had wanted that kind of money, so I took their offer! Now this is exactly what I mean... you want me to bend backwards to perform an act so that you can give me a clean chit on the integrity count! You want me to be embarrassed for wanting big money! I wanted big money, I got it!”

The exchanges had become heated and angry, with Kasparov thumping tables. Buddha and Vela tried to bring peace, but Kasparov shushed them. Suddenly he said: “Banking is an industry where you are only as good as the last deal you won. So why should I let any crore go away? Why? Today I am in a job, but it does not mean tomorrow I am in a job! Everyday is how I save for my future! In this business you can be jobless at 40!”

Mercifully, Thambi spoke. “In the FMC industry, you can be jobless at 35 like me,” he said wryly. Kasparov, already agitated, said: “Oh Thambi, stop it! Don’t be a girl, for God’s sake! You lost a job, what’s odd? Any high-profile job is fraught with risks; life does not end because you made a bad move! You get up, dust your backside and resume running. An MBA is not designer wear to show off. It’s a steel armour; it’s your survival kit! It’s the only asset you can never lose. OK, what if Remino Fox were to come to you tomorrow and make an offer to be their CEO and offer you a Rs 20-crore salary? Arre! Give it a week, events will unfold!”

Thambi went red in the face. “Shut up Kasparov,” he said severely. “Don’t make a joke. I don’t want money.” “No?” asked Kasparov. “And why not? What are you working for? I don’t understand you guys. The company is in business, in business to make profits, is making obscene profits, but you don’t want money! Why? Why are you guys all the same? You embarrass me. If you don’t want money, then why are you working for such companies? Why don’t you work for an NGO? Don’t want money, pah! Does not wanting money make you holy?”

A sudden silence pervaded the room. Even Kasparov became conscious that he had been talking in soprano. As he lowered his voice, his stance too softened: “Sorry Thambi. I was harsh. Your ideals are not making sense. All I am saying is, don’t be a blind slave of a set of ideals which you have not even examined once. “Your father was a great guy, and each of us here have taken little nuggets of advice from him. You, of course, got the whole barrel which you are carrying on your shoulders like dead weight. No doubt, he said work for Indian businesses, but isn’t it time for you to probe into that and draw the essence? You adopted Indian businesses as your goal, and you expected them to adopt you in turn. The fact is that business is one place you cannot make relationships.

As Michael Douglas says in Wall Street: ‘If you want a friend, buy a dog!’

“Look Thambi, organisations use us, you learn to use them. Fine, some of us are happier in a PSU, but I’m one of those who would like my kid to say ‘My dad has a Merc’ rather than ‘My dad teaches street kids for free’, or some such thing. Yeah, I draw the line at doing something dishonest to make money, but if I have worked hard for the Merc, I feel I deserve it. My wife and I will not be on some guilt trip if my co-worker is still driving a Maruti.”

Rekha sneered: “Sure, your wife likes that Merc, Kasparov, but she would prefer you sitting in that Merc along with her, not being driven to some boutique while you are busy with your latest cross-border deal or whatever!” Kasparov agreed: “But just because I am not accompanying her to the boutique does not mean we are not enjoying life, or are unhappy, Rekha!”

Fundae nodded and said: “We tend to equate happiness with money. Historically, we were a poor country and if a person got enough money to buy food and shelter he was happy, because he escaped poverty. More money meant more success, more respect, etc. Today it’s different - most of us come from middle-class backgrounds and our families always had a decent quality of life. The guy with the least salary in our batch still has enough to enable him to lead a happy life. Will his ‘delta happiness’ double if his income doubles?

“On campus, we used to dismiss Gandhiji’s philosophy as totally outdated, but there is so much of him that is so relevant today, like: ‘There is enough for everyone’s need but not for everyone’s greed.’”

“Look,” said Kasparov, “values like sacrifice, commitment, and loyalty are all relative. During my high school, my sole aim was getting into a top engineering college. After that, the goal post shifted to getting into an IIM. All those hours of slaving and cramming for the exams, was so that I would enjoy a good lifestyle on a cushy job. But when I compared myself to my gora colleagues at the firm, I found that they got paid far more with qualifications far less. Suddenly, you feel it’s all so unfair, no matter how well you are placed. Rekha will agree. That was the stage in my career when I had two choices: renounce the corporate rat race or pursue the good life with a vengeance. Call it a rebellion after those years of sacrifice. I get a kick from driving a better car or getting a bigger bonus than my white counterparts - that is the only way to show that I have arrived.”

Fundae smiled: “During placements, we harped on job satisfaction. By mid-30s, we seek self actualisation! Life is not just a balance between abundance and emotional satisfaction. I’m writing a book. It’s a boring OB related thing. It will be read by some 10 other ‘profs’ and won’t make me money. But I get my high from it!”

Vela agreed, “Boss, same here. I did engineering because I wanted to be an engineer; I did my MBA to become a better engineer. Last year, we went to Yemen for this project. The place was hell. A 50 degree desert complete with snakes and scorpions, which you banker log can’t imagine. But we were on a fantastic high when we completed that project - everyone from my boss to the cook. A big oil MNC was doing a project next door and they could not manage what we did despite all their hi technology and big budgets. For me, satisfaction is doing what I was trained to do, making a real difference to people, feeling proud to be Indian...

“But trouble is, in the process of becoming, we forget to be!”

Marketing Stint - Survival Kit

Timeline: November 2004 to January 2005

Line of Work: Management Trainee in an FMCG company

My 15 month training period also included a 13 week marketing stint and while it was not half as physically and mentally draining as the sales stint, it has it’s own set of unique challenges!

A large part of the time in this stint was spent in data collection – attempting to liaison with various internal and external personnel to get all the data and information that you require. For example, in my project I had to first get input from the brand manager and then liaison with market research, packaging, technical and the sales team. This does not include the numerous external agencies such as design, third party suppliers and advertising agencies.

The external agencies are easier to handle, since you are a client, so they are pretty prompt in reverting back with data and information. Though once they find out that you are a trainee on a short term assignment, relationship building with you (read as sending replies to your emails) then assumes the same priority as feeding the neighbor’s bull dog!

However how to you get your brand manager to give you time? How do you get in the line of sight of your brand manager and get him / her to update you on the project for a duration more than it takes to walk to the coffee machine?

Here are my all time favorite techniques:

1. Track, Follow and Corner Technique
This technique is movement based and requires good reflexes and split second timing. It calls for careful tracking of the subject and it’s movements. Adjacent cubicles provide good camouflage and a place where you can watch without being watched. Once subject moves out of base location (cubicle), it’s time to make your move. This requires precision and accuracy. Ideal acquisition point would be the printer or photocopy machine. These are usually located in corners – so it makes the target easy to trap and even easier to retain for an extended period of time. And we have slow printers to thank for that. As the subject waits for the machine to spew out the printouts, you pop the question, “Could we discuss the packaging brief now?” This usually works and you end up being scheduled for a slot that day! Another good location is the coffee machine. If you can acquire the subject at the coffee machine, it’s almost impossible for him / her to put you off saying that they are busy. More experienced trainees have been known to track and engage upto 3 subjects simultaneously.

Caution – the entire mission can be compromised and be a spectacular failure in case subject heads towards the cubicle of his / her boss or the toilet.
As a general rule, any movements the subject makes in a span of 30 minutes after a visit to the coffee machine ought to be ignored.

2. Ambush Technique
The ambush technique is a variation of the “Track, Follow and Corner Technique” and involves lying in wait for the subject at predetermined locations such as the elevator, lunch queue and car park without any prior tracking. It is based on pure chance and hence unreliable.

3. Hierarchy Technique
This is the trickiest one of them all. Always cc email to a person one work level higher than the person for whom the mail is meant. Generally works like a charm. But it has it’s limitations since as a trainee your sphere of influence in the company is quite restricted and there are only that many people you can cc mails too.

4. Hover Around till you are Noticed Technique
This technique works best when combined with loads of patience and a thick skin. It involves hanging around for extended periods of time near the cubicle of your target. You can use the cubicle structure for cover and ground support. Lean over and smile and keep doing it until you are noticed. A cup of coffee in your hand also tells the subject that you are not willing to be ignored and are in for the long haul.

The learning objectives for your stint are no good if one does not know these basic survival techniques. These can sometimes make the difference between a mediocre project and a good project – and that is the equivalent to life and death for a trainee :-)

Sales Stint in TN Upcountry - A Page from my Diary

Timeline: May to October 2004

Line of Work: Management Trainee in an FMCG company

It was an eventful 5 months in TN Upcountry as my sales area was referred and one which has been more fun than I might be willing to admit! The high points were of course the nights spent at Prince Lodge in Pudukottai, dinner at Subalakshmi Mahal Palace in Karaikudi and my new found love for Tamil music. Gilli was the hottest music in town not to any small measure due to the presence of Trisha in the video!

As business school taught me, it was time to put to pen and paper my key learnings in this stint of mine:
1. India is a beautiful country and there are so many experiences, sights and sounds to feel and enjoy in an upcountry area that it is a shame that I did not have a camera. This will hoepfully be be rectified shortly.

2. It is such a contrast to see how I attempt to sell a 36 Rs. Jar of Instant Coffee when half the consumers of the town probably cannot afford 2 square meals a day. And shockingly, the products sell well even in these markets. It’s crazy what some good imagery for your brand can drive people to do.

Brasstacks!
Now that I am done with the global bullshit, it’s time to tell you my real learnings - which I hope will come in handy if any of you ever decide to travel through the likes of Ariyalur, Jayankondam, Thirpattur, Kullithalai, Arantangi, Devekottai and Mannaparai (I hope you never do!)

1. When you travel by bus and you intend to sleep then the best location is the last seat - not only does it offer the most leg room but also the maximum head room. Every TN bus has these overhead shelves all along the side of the bus to keep luggage. Unfortunately the designer did not take into consideration the abysmal condition of roads in TN and that certain people such as me are above average height. Consequently when rubber and pothole meet, so do my head and the shelf. It is quite a sight to see me bodily rise 6 inches into the air all set for lift off before being rudely and painfully bought back into my seat by the shelf.

2. The second set of rules to remember is when you sit by the window. It gets a little complicated here but I’ll try and simplify as much as possible:

a. If the seat in front of your is occupied by women then it is best to stay away from atleast 2 set of seats behind them. The primary reason for this word of caution is that on a long distance journey the odds that the woman in front of you will throw up is 3:4. And if you are seated behind her the muck is going to take the shortest route to your freshly ironed and washed shirt! Needless to say personal experience accounts for these words of wisdom.

b. The second situation is when you travel and there is a chance of rain. It is best advised to stay away from all windows and place yourself comfortably dead center of the last seat. TN believes that it’s buses have a life of their own and ought to have ample gaps between all joints (even if that joint is on the roof of the bus) to allow for that. So if you have not had a bath that morning and the heavens decide to open up then TN State Transport Corporation treats you to a shower that you will not forget in a hurry!

c. The third rarer but still very likely situation is when the glass pane of your window is more or less hanging on for dear life to the window frame by an inch of rubber. You decide to take the seat, and invariably it decides to give in and fall in your lap after shattering into 2 large murderous looking pieces. I spent 45 out of the 60 km journey holding 2 of these pieces in hand looking totally lost in my reflection in them.

3. All TNSTC buses come factory fitted with original Bose speakers that are strategically placed at all locations in the bus so that no matter how hard you try you cannot miss “Appadiya Podu Podu.......” being blasted out for your entertainment - talk about customer delight! FMCGs could take a leaf out of their book - nobody is spared - I wish that was true with our advertisements too!

4. You have a choice of buses in TN to suit every pocket:

a. Your simple plain vanilla kind of bus that drifts from town to town at 30 km per hour and thinks nothing about stopping and having tea after every 30 minutes of driving (I ought not to be complaining as long as he is drinking my brand of tea!)

b. The Point to Point (PP) bus which is the bus equivalent of the Shatabdi Express minus the air conditioned comfort! Alloy wheel covers, shining steel bodies, black tinted glasses, Rajanikanth poster on the back panel, yellow coloured body, a horn that would make any unwary pedestrian jump out of his skin, a suitably hip name such as “Rockfort Express” and to top it all an in-flight movie - these are the Rolls Royce of all buses in TN. These were my lifelines in my sales stint and I have seen umpteen number of Tamil movies on my various journeys without knowing the name of even one of them.

I do hope that my objective of making you all aware of the pitfalls of a harmless looking journey on TNSTC has been met and all of you can make the more informed choice of avoiding the area all together. My sales stint is over, thankfully for my stockists - they were more than happy to see my back. Surprisingly I have picked up a decent amount of Tamil here, definitely enough to be able to see my products in the market!

Well if I have dramatized and made the sales stint more glamorous than it is - so be it - it was a blast :)